Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
me linking you to my twitter
ibopfufen
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow