Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”