Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
You Might Also Like
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
sensitive skin
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: