Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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Good morning!
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”