[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.