Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF