The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
BRAKING NEWS!!
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.