Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*