*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?