Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.