No one :
Me when I swimming :
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“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Scream sneezers need love too.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button