Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will