Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.