Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops