Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
You Might Also Like
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Happy Star Wars day!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”