[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Science memes
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.