Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said