SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.