Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …