her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Life with a cat in one tweet
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.