interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
You Might Also Like
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!