Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Ion see the issue
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day