Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
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If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news