I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
*watches the world burn*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.