roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!