[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
thank god the sign was there
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.