GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
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No, I don’t think I will.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
mom gave me mine for free
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus