[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
three things we don’t talk about
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
How animals would run if they were human
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
me, too, girl. me, too.
what are they serving at kfc then???
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time