Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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Natty or not?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
ok like just. call me at this point
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.