1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.