today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.