Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Just me and my debit card against the world
When ur friends with white people
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop