I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Crying is a sign of leakness.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.