People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”