[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.