[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
🙋♀️
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’m aging like a fine banana