Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Phones down.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.