I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
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I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
But that’s none of my business
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future