“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs