“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
a god among men
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I am HOWLING at this
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
the saddest jazz hands ever
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this