When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.