My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You Might Also Like
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?