You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
😂💯
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
2 years later
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Smells like a challenge to me
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.