Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Just a bush.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Accurate
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors