With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
This took me a second..
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”