Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.