I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Beware of fowl play.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.