Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
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I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?