YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL