I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
checking out some reviews of my local library
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal